It’s scary how the world can be so unfair.
I’ve had my fair share of injustice, and I resent the memories of each one to this day. But for the most part, I blamed myself for it, thinking that I’d been too soft and careless and trusting. What do you get from being kind anyway? Sure, people could like you. But what do you do with a thousand people who like you, when at the end of the day you’re all alone? And worse, your kindness may backfire on you in the worst possible way. I say kindness is a kind of power, and as the popular line goes, with great power comes great responsibility.
But still, I’ve accepted those moments when my good will and own efforts ended up crushing me unfairly, but witnessing it happen to someone else — someone genuinely good and bright and hardworking–is totally devastating for me. I’m in no place to judge, but seriously? If there’s one job in this world that saves people from that kind of injustice, I’m very much willing to take it.
Oh shit. I sound like someone on the way to law school.
But seriously, screw it all, I don’t even trust laws of men anyway. I just want the law of inherent goodness, of nature, of getting what you deserve. I want to be a fairy granting people wishes, making their dreams come true as long as they deserve it. I want to see hardworking people succeed greatly. I want dancers to perfectly perform what they’ve practiced. I want students to ace the exams they’ve studied all night for. I want every dog to have a loving family. I want every criminal behind bars, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE.
Injustice is a fate worse than death, as I have come to conclude a couple of years ago. And sometimes, with all that’s happening, I want to give up my status as a human being and ask God to just, just make me a fairy. I want to live in some spring wood and give out glass slippers or something. Seriously. I don’t actually have the right to say I’m tired, because I’ve never actually done anything worthwhile, not even household chores (ugh the laundry basket is overflowing again), but I don’t know, I really don’t know… I feel so tired. Physically, mentally. Some people might say, hey maybe you just need Christ in your life, and maybe they’re right. I’m a Christian, alright, and I can say He’s touched my life in ways more than I deserve and I believe in Him, but I don’t know what to do to enact on my faith. Maybe Christianity is indeed about community, togetherness, that being a Christian on your own will make you feel empty and hollow inside.
I don’t know where this is going. First I was raving about injustice then kindness and then Christianity. Maybe these are signs of what they call ‘adulting’. When the solitude that you loved starts to be suffocating. When you start wishing to be somewhere else. When you finally see the world as a big, scary place. When you begin to lose your dreams. When you see everyone else going this way and that, and you’re standing right where you are, not knowing which way to go. When every failure is no longer funny, but has grown fangs and bitten into you deep enough to leave you limping. When you realize that there’s actually no one you can listen to — not your favorite author, musicians, doctors, politicians, and sometimes even those people closest to you — for in the end, all you have is yourself, and the only one you can trust to make a choice for you is you. Because it’s your life, and everything else is fleeting.
You can be kind if you are strong enough, because the world needs such a beautiful thing. But to others like me, who are rather weak, fickle, and easily lost, be a realist. Don’t be mean, but try putting yourself over others. Don’t aim for acceptance, but rather, survival. The former is a luxury we can’t afford to invest in. Keep Christ close to you, or whoever your God is, because He will keep you going. Be wary of the dangers of this world, of the things that may crush you in the end, but find something that tethers you to the beauty and joy of being alive — a person, a thing, a hobby, anything that reminds you that there is goodness, there is God. You can be good without people knowing. After all, what is a thousand likes when you are all alone in the end?
And when you are strong enough to be kind, be a fairy. Help people get what they deserve. Make them happy. Be a fairy in any way you can — promote your hardworking employee, applaud the dancer who missed a step, teach your students well (and make sure you actually taught them what you put in the exams), or adopt that homeless dog across the street. Or be a lawyer, and try to put things in order.
I don’t know who I’m going to be just yet. All I know, right now, is that I want to be a fairy.