“Hilarious it is, for me to fear losing you, when you were never mine at all.”
I’ve been with you the moment you were born. The very second that breathed life into you, my own existence started to breathe. It was like being born again and granted with life though I never knew how it felt and neither will I feel losing it. But I feel more alive than the rest of the time eternity had granted me. I guess this is ‘life’ for beings like me, to watch someone be born only to die someday like a lily that blooms in the morning only to wither at night. I lived like this for centuries, although until now I’m still quite hesitant to use the glorious word ‘live’ to describe my state of existence.
Nothing has been as blissful as watching you grow, and being part of it in a way only the divinity and I understand. You’ve become who you are; time really flies fast in one person’s hourglass, especially when all this time I have set my eyes on nothing else but you. I’ve protected you from harm, and it was nothing of a tedious work for me. It is what I am created for, what I’ll spend forever existing for. But whenever I think of that someday when I’d lose you, a part of my being feels torn apart. Hilarious it is, for me to fear losing you when you were never mine at all.
You were no longer a child, but I watched you cry. Could it be really that painful? I felt so sorry the very moment the first teardrop rolled a line down your precious cheek. I kept cars from crashing into you, taken stones away from your path, blocked the stiff wind, but I couldn’t protect your heart. I protected you from anyone, but I helplessly watched someone break what ought to be guarded the most. You cried out all the pain, whispering how you wanted to escape from your reality. You wished to be happy and oblivious like angels. How I longed to sit beside you right then and tell you how angels break at the sight of you. I wanted to take your hand and wipe your tears. I wanted to mend your broken heart. Thinking of it, I felt as if I myself had a heart… and it, too, was broken like yours.
I close my eyes and desperately try to feel the wind. In my fantasy, it’d would carry me into your world; it would take me to you. I’d walk side by side with you and everywhere we go would be more of a paradise than Eden itself had been. That heartwarming smile you have would be there forever, and you’d be brighter than any of the angels I’ve ever seen. Perhaps I’d then be fallen, with nowhere else to go and no wings to fly back. I’d lose eternal life but you’d be my eternity. That alone is more than the endlessness of forever for me and for that I’d stop existing and start living. Maybe it wouldn’t be forever, but time wouldn’t matter against the promise of being together.
“I’d lose eternal life but you’d be my eternity.”
I open my eyes, amd I’m back to the reality of a lifeless existence. I desperately let my fantasy play again and again, since it is the only thing I can take control of. This is my reality… to light and guard, to rule and guide. But somehow it isn’t enough. I fly free yet I feel chained. I look ahead of me, and I see miles and miles of eternity. It’s like a river that flows without the promise of reaching the sea. If only I could be like you and be with you. Yesteryear I existed, tomorrow onward I will. But right now, there is only one thing I wish… to escape into your world.